It’s My Party Read online

  Suzuki knew that he could trust Stew and Sandy to catch up. They were both capable and had saved his ass multiple times. Still, it felt weird to just get up and leave them.

  The party wasn’t supposed to be split, even if it was for a few moments. Suzuki turned and instead of following José, rode back toward where he thought Sandy and Stew were. It didn’t take long to spot them.

  Stew was on the ground, holding down a goblin. The goblin was spitting in Stew’s face, trying to escape Stew’s massive body, ineffectually slashing at Stew, who brought his fist down in the goblin’s face before standing and driving his sword through the goblin’s chest.

  Standing, Stew wiped the blood off his face, and screamed. It was more than just an adrenaline rush, though. The air rippled with the force of Stew’s voice, and Suzuki could feel the magic affecting him. He felt rejuvenated and bold. The goblins nearby scattered. Stew was getting pretty proficient at his barbarian spells.

  Suzuki rode up beside Stew and watched the goblins turning tail. “Come on,” he said. “We gotta get going. Let’s put some more distance between us and them.”

  Stew nodded and jogged over to his axbeak, which was towering over a riderless wolf, hacking the thing to pieces. Stew jumped on top of the axbeak, grabbed the reins and took off after José. “Where’s Sandy?” Suzuki called after him.

  “With the Horsemen!”

  The Horsemen were more than capable. Suzuki figured Sandy would be all right, but he still didn’t feel comfortable leaving her behind with the horde of orcs and goblins. He scanned the battlefield watching the Dark One’s retreating forces. The retreat wouldn’t last for long, though. Stew’s spell was going to wear off soon enough, and the orcs would get their courage back.

  A few feet away, Suzuki spotted Chip, Diana, and Sandy. They were easier to spot than Stew because of the ring of fire surrounding them. Sandy was floating above the circle, nearly ten feet in the air, her book levitating in front of her.

  Sandy raised her hands, and burning runes and sigils appeared in her palms.

  The fire circle exploded, sending a wall of flame scorching the field, cutting the orcs off from the Mundanes and Horsemen.

  Sandy floated back down to the ground as she and the Horsemen jumped back onto the axbeaks. They rode toward Suzuki. “Aw, were you worried about me?” Sandy asked as she caught up with Suzuki.

  Suzuki shrugged and pulled on his axbeak’s reins so that it turned and rode away from the fire and toward José and Stew. “Never split the party,” Suzuki replied. “Remember?”

  “You just don’t want me having too much fun. I can see it in your eyes. Terrified that we’re going to kill everything before you get a chance to. Party pooper.”

  Sandy and the Horsemen took off after José and Stew. Suzuki brought up the rear, checking over his shoulder again to see how the pack of the Dark One’s degenerates were faring with the wall of flame expertly provided by Sandy and Diana.

  No matter how long he had known Sandy, he never quite got used to how giddy she was about violence. When they had been playing online together, Suzuki had just assumed that it was part of the roleplaying. Being out in the real Middang3ard had completely changed his mind. Sandy was a totally different person out on the battlefield. He rarely heard her laugh as joyfully as when she was arms deep in the entrails of the enemy.

  Axbeak feet flew across the plains as the Mundanes and Horsemen pushed their fowls to the limit. The fires behind them were already starting to burn out. The orcs, goblins, and giants would be after them again soon. Luckily there seemed to be enough space between them that it seemed possible that they might actually be able to slip away from the Dark One’s small troop.

  The inner fan boy was welling up. He had seen José a handful of times and heard other MERCs, the paramilitary mercenary force raging war against the Dark One, talking about the Horsemen’s exploits. They had always seemed so fantastic. Part of Suzuki didn’t believe any of the stories to be true, but in the little bit of time that they had been traveling with José, they had already managed to be attacked by a small army, and José was handling the situation as if it happened once a week.

  An ear-piercing screech broke Suzuki’s concentration. He looked up in the direction of the noise and saw three harpies. The creatures had the bodies of emaciated, naked women and their arms were winged, covered in a patch of feathers.

  Drool trickled from their mouths as they screeched, and each of the harpies held a goblin in their talons.

  Suzuki pointed up at the harpies as he shouted, “Hey, guys! We got a little situation here.”

  One of the harpies dropped its goblin. The goblin sailed through the air, pulled out two long daggers, and landed on the back of José’s axbeak. It jabbed one of the daggers into José’s side. “Christ’s fucking tits,” José shouted as he elbowed the goblin in the face, sending it flying. “Chip, get my back for me!”

  José stood atop his axbeak and stared up at the harpies flying overhead. He crouched low and then sprung into the air, flying straight toward the harpy that had just dropped the goblin. “Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war,” José shouted, his voice almost as giddy as a kid.

  Behind the riders, the giants had made their way to the front of the horde. They were closing the most distance, their long legs giving them an edge over the others. Their rage-filled roars shook Suzuki from the inside out.

  The harpies could be heard screaming from above. Even though Suzuki knew he had to pay attention to what was going on around him, he couldn’t help sneaking a peek at what José was doing.

  One of the harpies had been lassoed by José, who was hanging from the rope tied round the harpy’s neck. José swung back and forth on the rope, dragging the harpy down until he got enough momentum and flung himself through the air.

  He crashed into the goblin clutched in the harpy’s talons and his sword slid into the goblin’s belly as he twisted away, flinging himself above the other harpy, slicing through its neck with a fluid movement as he rose and then fell, grabbing the last goblin, situating it under his feet so that he descended like some bizarre parody of a surfer, the goblin standing in for the surfboard.

  The goblin splattered on the ground when José landed. José pulled his hair out of his face, looked down at the bloody mess he stood in, and chuckled. “Huh. Didn’t really think that was going to work out like that.”

  Behind José, the giants were closing in. Suzuki didn’t think José was aware of how close the giants were.

  But as Suzuki was preparing to turn back, Chip, one foot on her axbeak and the other on José’s, went screeching past him. “Heyo, bossman,” Chip clamored as she tried to control the axbeaks, her face nearly green with sickness. “We got two giants gamboling in your general direction to acquaint your bones with the fleshy outer layers of your skin—”

  “Goddamn it, Chip, what the fuck are you saying?”

  “Two giants! I cut up one of them, you get choppy with the other!”

  “Wind ‘em up!”

  Chip jumped from the axbeaks, sailing through the air toward José. “Catch me in yer big strong arms.” She cackled.

  José caught Chip but instead of putting her on the ground, he launched her into the air, drawing his sword, taking a knee and slashing the legs out from the giant coming up behind him.

  Up above, Chip soared through the sky, taking aim with the haphazardly built buzz saws hanging from her arms. There was a loud clinking sound as her eyes went wide and two massive circular saw blades shot out from her wrists, neatly slicing into another giant’s head. Chip fell down and José scooped her out of the air. “Aye, my many thanks for not letting me crack me ass,” Chip said as she grabbed the nearby axbeak.

  José and Chip sped away as the last giant looked on in confusion at its fallen comrades. The Horsemen’s attack couldn’t have taken any more than ten seconds.

  It didn’t take long before the two Horsemen caught up to the Mundanes. Suzuki didn’t even want to bother lo
oking to see how far away the horde was. If it was that easy for José and Chip to catch up to them, it wasn’t going to take long for the horde to do the same thing.

  This couldn’t go on forever.

  José was at Suzuki’s right, smiling as, on the other side, Sandy cackled madly while lobbing fireballs, which exploded like small grenades. “You look like you could use a smile.” José prodded Suzuki. “It’s good to know that at least one of you guys knows how to have a good time.”

  Suzuki let the comment roll off his shoulders. He was far from having a good time. “We’ve only been riding for three days. We’ve only just crossed into the Dark One’s territory and we’re already grossly outnumbered,” Suzuki retorted.

  “So, what I’m hearing is that we’re already having a fucking blast.”

  Suzuki groaned. “We can’t keep this up. We need a plan to get out of this.”

  “Hm…you are a very observant kind of downer,” José said. “That’s probably why your merry band of idiots is still alive.”

  “We are not idiots!” Suzuki protested.

  Just as Suzuki spoke, Stew lost control of his axbeak and went speeding off in front of the rest of the group. The axbeak had seen something that it thought was obviously more important than listening to Stew, who was beating it over the head, trying to regain control.

  Suzuki had to admit it: Stew did look pretty stupid.

  Suzuki leaned forward and spurred his axbeak to catch up with Stew. José and the rest of them did the same. “Okay,” Suzuki grumbled, “If we’re so stupid, what the fuck is your plan of action?”

  “Kid, I told you before, I’m just along for the ride.” José wore a shit-eating grin as he spoke. “This is your rodeo.”

  “You’re just going to talk shit as a backseat rider?”

  José shook his head. “I wouldn’t say talk shit so much as provide constructive criticism to lighten your ass the fuck up.”

  “How am I supposed to lighten up?” Suzuki asked. “We’re being chased by a mob of orcs and goblins stronger than anything I’ve ever seen. And they have giants.”

  “Two fewer giants than they did before. Now get your shit together and calm down. What are we going to do?”

  Suzuki racked his brain trying to come up with an option. All he could see was the terrain ahead of him and he knew what was behind him.

  Just hills and plains.

  He wasn’t sure how long they stretched out, but he knew that if these were just flatlands, it was only a matter of time until the orcs caught up.

  Making a stand was out of the question. Suzuki had noticed that Diana was holding back attacking after that massive lightning strike. This led Suzuki to assume that she had used a lot of mana for the attack. Even though it had been strong, it still hadn’t been enough to stop the horde.

  When Suzuki thought back to his attack against Ulrag, he remembered that his ax throw had just startled Ulrag. It had been José who had delivered the death blow.

  Even though these were all just observations, Suzuki figured that the Mundanes still weren’t strong enough to do too much damage. Even the Horsemen, who had substantially better gear, didn’t seem too gung-ho at the prospect of a straight-up fight. If only there was something that I could do to get a better view, Suzuki thought. Wait! Fucking got it!

  Suzuki reached out tentatively to Fred. Usually, he tried to cast magic without actually talking to Fred because it took time and, frankly, Fred seemed to delight in embarrassing Suzuki any chance that he got.

  Hey, Fred, Suzuki said. I need a hand. You remember that clairvoyance spell?

  Fred reared his head from within the pocket dimension. I am not a goldfish, Fred responded, irritation dripping like poison with each word.

  What does that have to—

  I remember.

  All right. I need to cast it, but not ahead. I need to cast it from above. As high up as you can get it.

  You want to see from the atmosphere? Fred asked.

  Okay, maybe not as far as you can. Let’s see…high enough that I can see in a ten-mile circumference from where I’m at.

  So specific. I can see you have a basic understanding of geometry. You must feel quite accomplished with your wisdom at—

  Suzuki pursed his lips. Fred, now, please!

  Very well, human.

  A portal roughly the size of a basketball opened in front of Suzuki. When he looked through it, he could see an aerial view of the fields. It was difficult to tell how far away the horde was due to the perspective, but it was easy to see that it was not far. Suzuki scanned what he could see of the field. His SD upgrade allowed him to cast the specific spell, but he still needed an upgrade to get a crisper view. This was all he had at the moment, so it was going to have to do.

  Toward the West, there appeared to be a cave. Perfect, Suzuki thought. Fucking perfect.

  Suzuki waved the portal away just in time to keep from crashing into Stew, who was still battling to get his axbeak under control. “Listen to me, damn it,” Stew shouted as he veered off course again, barely managing to keep from sliding off the axbeak.

  As Suzuki maneuvered away from Stew, who had practically become a wrecking ball, he shouted to the Mundanes and the Horsemen, “All right, everyone! We’re going East. There’s a cave and we can funnel these fuckers into it and take them out Spartan style!”

  The two parties shifted their trajectory with Suzuki and José leading them. “Spartan style?” José asked.

  Suzuki pointed ahead at the cave in the distance. It had a narrow entrance and appeared to extend far into what looked like a series of hills outlining a mountain hidden by perspective and clouds. “Yeah, you know,” Suzuki started to explain. “Like the 300 Spartans that fended off the Persian army. Although, records show that the Spartans probably had more than 300 foot soldiers. However, the same principle of funneling your enemies into a kill tunnel still holds up pretty well. In theory, at least.”

  “Nice. Pre-Greco Roman battle tactics. You know your shit.”

  Suzuki beamed at the compliment. He nudged his axbeak in the side and took off toward the cave at top speed. Suzuki knew that Sandy and Stew both appreciated his tactical mind, there was no doubt about that, but neither of them seemed to know or care where Suzuki got his ideas from. It felt good to be given credit from someone who knew what it was that he was doing, to feel that kind of appreciated. It was even more impressive that it was coming from the top MERC.

  The cave was quickly coming up, and Suzuki saw that it was indeed part of a large section of hills and mountains. This would work perfectly. Not only would it give the two parties a place to funnel the horde, but they would also have some space to lose any stragglers and make it harder to be tracked.

  Once the Mundanes and Horsemen made it to the cave, they dismounted from their axbeaks and herded them inside. In the distance, the horde approached, climbing a hill. They stopped, searching. Then an orc who held Ulrag’s head on a spike pointed in their direction.

  “All right,” Suzuki shouted, “Everyone into the cave!”

  Stew, José, and Chip ran into the cave. Sandy and Diana stayed outside with Suzuki. “We should at least try to make them work for our heads,” Diana said as she knelt down and started drawing symbols into the dirt with her wand. “Gimme a hand, Sandy.”

  Sandy drew her own wand and started to copy the arcane symbols that Diana drew. As the two wove the symbols into the earth, Suzuki could see the air vibrating with magic. Sandy and Diana finished and retreated into the cave. Suzuki followed. He noticed that as he crossed the threshold, his skin grew very warm for a second.

  Diana noticed Suzuki looking at his skin with confusion. “You guys just use elemental magic, don’t you?” she asked. “This is one of the reasons you need to have mentors. It’s nice and fun to throw a fireball, but just think of the mayhem you can cause with a well-placed trap. First, they have to break past the physical barrier. Then they find out that breaking the barrier sets them on fire.”


  Sandy’s eyes lit up at the prospect of burning orc flesh. “Fuck, that is so cool. I never would have thought of that.”

  Diana smiled. “Which is why you, my dear girl, need a diligent teacher. You and I are going to have a grand time on this quest.”

  Suzuki peered out from behind the magical barrier. He could see the horde in the distance, approaching. “Come on, we need to get farther into the cave before we take a break and figure out what else is going on,” he said.

  No one questioned his order.

  Even the veterans seemed more than happy to let Suzuki lead the way, which he did. Ahead of them, the cave split into a dozen different paths. Suzuki choose one arbitrarily and the two parties went down it. He didn’t feel it made much sense to agonize over the path.

  There was no way to know where they were going. He didn’t have enough time to check each pathway with Clairvoyance. The only criteria for the tunnel was that it wasn’t too wide. He chose what looked like the thinnest tunnel and prayed for the best.

  Outside, the orcs and goblins raced toward the cave’s entrance while the Mundanes and Horsemen began to explore the inner workings of the cave. Neither was aware of what they were to come across.

  2

  The cave that the Mundanes and Horsemen explored was dark. Hardly any light from the cave’s entrance made it down the tunnels. The cave smelled of moss and water, which meant that somewhere in here, there was a water source. But where? Suzuki wasn’t sure. He couldn’t hear any running water. All he knew was that the walls were some kind of flint and that he had never seen anything like it back home.

  Chipping off a little bit of flint, Suzuki saw geodes glittering like diamonds. If there had been time, he would have explored the cave more thoroughly but, seeing as there were orcs trying to kill him and his friends, Suzuki was in somewhat of a rush.

  No one seemed particularly bothered by this plan of action. They slowly made their way through the cave until they could find a place to set up and defend themselves. The tunnel that they were traveling down was wider than Suzuki had anticipated and he adjusted his plan accordingly, now he knew that Diana could lay traps. So could Sandy, with a little bit of guidance. This meant that if they found a small enough space, they could layer the room with traps to help thin out their enemies.